I'm down to my last shot of whiskey, and it looks like all that's left is the vodka at this point. Talked to my little girl tonight; first time in four days. It's really hard to choke back the tears at this point, and the man in me tells me to just take another drink. I hate living like this every night, skipping meals for the warm comfort of liquor, shunning conversation for the loneliness of my room. My life is taking a direction that is completely unexpected, and I need to purge everyone out of it. I continually hurt everyone I know, and if I haven't hurt you yet, I will. My children think I'm a failure as a father, and the only one who is too young to figure that out yet will come along eventually. I'm so, so tired. So tired. I don't want to sleep, I don't want to eat, I don't want to work. I want to drive away forever and forget all of you exist. Forget I exist. If it weren't for that little girl I'd have probably gone by now. Will she really know the difference, though? My whole existence will be a blink in her eye, and maybe she could hang on to some happy memories. She's only two, so whatever memories she would have would be gone anyway. Something drastic needs to happen. I don't know what that is, and I'm not advocating anything, but my life must change. I can't keep running away from my problems, but I don't know how to solve them. I fucking hate the person in the mirror. HATE THEM. I FUCKING HATE YOU.
You want to walk around pretending everything is fine when you've already died inside. You think you're fooling everyone with your stupid crooked grin and dumb quick wit that everyone finds so arrogant. What do you really think you're doing? You're walking through life with blinders on and hoping for the best. Great plan jackass. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. EVERY FUCKING THING ABOUT YOU. Better cut your losses while it still looks good from the outside.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
STOP
I'm doing it again. I'm an idiot when it comes to this, and I'm too dumb to figure it out before it's too late. So this post is just for me, to remind myself.
Stop.
Stop.
STOP.
You're only setting yourself up for another big letdown, and what has been recently divulged to you is a fact. A certified FACT. Stop twisting things around to accomodate yourself, because nobody gives a shit about you or whatever stupid idea you had about the whole thing. Just STOP before it happens again. It will hurt much worse this time, believe me. MUCH WORSE. Then where will you be? In the same exact place you were before, with absolutely nothing to show for it. NOTHING.
So just forget about it, get it all out of your head, shake it all out of your system. Post a sign, read this repeatedly, whatever you have to do. But stop it.
STOP IT.
Stop.
Stop.
STOP.
You're only setting yourself up for another big letdown, and what has been recently divulged to you is a fact. A certified FACT. Stop twisting things around to accomodate yourself, because nobody gives a shit about you or whatever stupid idea you had about the whole thing. Just STOP before it happens again. It will hurt much worse this time, believe me. MUCH WORSE. Then where will you be? In the same exact place you were before, with absolutely nothing to show for it. NOTHING.
So just forget about it, get it all out of your head, shake it all out of your system. Post a sign, read this repeatedly, whatever you have to do. But stop it.
STOP IT.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Missing Pieces
I can't shake the feeling that I'm going down a path not meant for me. Too often I find myself wondering what it is I'm actually doing with my life; at times I'm at peace with who I am, despite my intense flaws. Other times I feel completely lost, an unidentified stranger in a sea of normalcy. I contradict myself almost daily, and my idea of what I want changes direction as easily as the wind. Outside influences have indirectly begun to help me realize that I'm not as awesome as I think I am, and that I truly want more than the status quo. It's really difficult to have a high opinion of yourself as you wade through the deep sea of muck that is your own reality. I see mine for what it is; I can't sugar-coat it any longer, for what I need today is not what I wanted yesterday, and it clearly illustrated itself tonight.
The same old scene played out again as it always does, but this time I played along as not a willing participant, but merely as entertainment. It was interesting to see how dismissive I was of the entire affair. But I can't continue this charade, because I've been exposed to something different; a prescence that excites me as well as infuriates me, but one that I can't hold on to. I can't have it, don't deserve it, but it really is something. Perhaps someday I will find something like it, something very similar, but I don't see that day coming any time soon. I will never be anyone's prized possession, the one you can take home to your mother, the person who is revered above all else. I am so deeply scarred from life and soiled with the tears of others that I may never have any meaningful moments with anyone, other than fleeting ones.
It is not enough to be loved a little by many people; I'm starting to believe that I may need one person to love me for who I am, not for what they believe they see on the surface. I may never find that person, but I suppose that's alright. My life is scattered about like a jigsaw puzzle, and it's nobody's job but my own to put it back together. Although, I would like some help finding the missing pieces.
The same old scene played out again as it always does, but this time I played along as not a willing participant, but merely as entertainment. It was interesting to see how dismissive I was of the entire affair. But I can't continue this charade, because I've been exposed to something different; a prescence that excites me as well as infuriates me, but one that I can't hold on to. I can't have it, don't deserve it, but it really is something. Perhaps someday I will find something like it, something very similar, but I don't see that day coming any time soon. I will never be anyone's prized possession, the one you can take home to your mother, the person who is revered above all else. I am so deeply scarred from life and soiled with the tears of others that I may never have any meaningful moments with anyone, other than fleeting ones.
It is not enough to be loved a little by many people; I'm starting to believe that I may need one person to love me for who I am, not for what they believe they see on the surface. I may never find that person, but I suppose that's alright. My life is scattered about like a jigsaw puzzle, and it's nobody's job but my own to put it back together. Although, I would like some help finding the missing pieces.
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