Missing Pieces

I can't shake the feeling that I'm going down a path not meant for me. Too often I find myself wondering what it is I'm actually doing with my life; at times I'm at peace with who I am, despite my intense flaws. Other times I feel completely lost, an unidentified stranger in a sea of normalcy. I contradict myself almost daily, and my idea of what I want changes direction as easily as the wind. Outside influences have indirectly begun to help me realize that I'm not as awesome as I think I am, and that I truly want more than the status quo. It's really difficult to have a high opinion of yourself as you wade through the deep sea of muck that is your own reality. I see mine for what it is; I can't sugar-coat it any longer, for what I need today is not what I wanted yesterday, and it clearly illustrated itself tonight.

The same old scene played out again as it always does, but this time I played along as not a willing participant, but merely as entertainment. It was interesting to see how dismissive I was of the entire affair. But I can't continue this charade, because I've been exposed to something different; a prescence that excites me as well as infuriates me, but one that I can't hold on to. I can't have it, don't deserve it, but it really is something. Perhaps someday I will find something like it, something very similar, but I don't see that day coming any time soon. I will never be anyone's prized possession, the one you can take home to your mother, the person who is revered above all else. I am so deeply scarred from life and soiled with the tears of others that I may never have any meaningful moments with anyone, other than fleeting ones.

It is not enough to be loved a little by many people; I'm starting to believe that I may need one person to love me for who I am, not for what they believe they see on the surface. I may never find that person, but I suppose that's alright. My life is scattered about like a jigsaw puzzle, and it's nobody's job but my own to put it back together. Although, I would like some help finding the missing pieces.