Post Script

I don't belong here. I feel as if I'm drifting in a sea which is not mine; like a false sense of well-being immediately followed by the enormous pressure of who I really am. I can't be happy and nobody can help me. I've sought solace with my thoughts and have even relied on others, professionals, but I keep dancing around the truth. I just don't know what makes me so unhappy with myself, but it's a cycle I can't control. I simultaneously want a pity party and to be left alone. I want to be able to scream what I feel at the top of my lungs without embarassment or repercussions for what I say. I do not want to spend my life in therapy, as it has only helped in areas where I didn't need help. I would have come upon those realizations myself, given time to reflect.

I choose to remain this way out of fear of what people may think if they knew the truth, and how ridiculous that truth is. I hide everything about me, even the good; I find myself now pushing away what I need most: an ear to listen, a voice to soothe. But I only hear empty compliments for a sensitive personality. I am a cold, cruel person who shouldn't be revered for anything, let alone loved. It would be a waste of time to spend any energy trying to love any part of me. I wish not to burden anyone any longer, I just want out. I'm getting closer to letting it all out, laying all of my feelings on the line; but to what end? It will only serve to reshape people's perceptions of me as someone who isn't responsible enough to be trusted alone.

I AM alone.

I am alone inside myself every day despite the others around me who truly care, even though I don't want them to. I am constantly tormented with the agony of knowing the one thing that could help me will kill my creative instincts, and I can't live with that. I find comfort in being this way because it's all I've been, but I am also uncomfortable with that comfort. It's not natural for a person to be this way, to constantly hate themselves while faking a happy existence. Whatever happens, I don't want to be judged for what I am; I'm already performing that task perfectly.